Men’s Insecurity Is Being Monetized – Here’s How We Push Back

It started with cold plunges and wearable tracking devices. Then came tongue exercises to strengthen the jawline and lymphatic drainage to reduce puffiness. Now we have influencers suggesting that men consider breaking the bones of their face to improve bone structure.

Wide swaths of the internet are fueled by insecurity. With each scrolling session, we are flooded with curated snapshots of strangers’ lives and advice for how to be, and how to look. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that we are doing something wrong: If only we looked a certain way, then we’d get the ideal love match, the great job opportunity, the self-confidence boost.

But “if only” thinking is a trap, especially when it comes to one’s physical appearance. First, it’s convenient: If the problem is our physical appearance, and not some underlying aspect of our personality or our emotional lives, then we don’t need to do the difficult work of reflecting on our lives, our values, and where we might have fallen out of alignment. It’s less threatening to think that the problem lies at surface level. Second, physical appearance seems like something we should be able to control or fix. (Though as anyone who’s really tried knows, it doesn’t usually work that way.)

Even if we achieve some target measure of attractiveness, it’s not likely to help for long. That’s partly because the problem was never external in the first place and because when we’re motivated by a search for external approval, the goalposts keep moving: In fact, achieving what we thought we wanted can feel like a letdown compared to the effort and anticipation that came before. Scientists used to think that dopamine was associated with pleasure, but now we know that it’s more closely associated with “wanting” than “liking.” Our brains are wired to take pleasure in the chase versus the catch.

The more useful question, then, isn’t how to optimize further, but rather: What do I imagine will be better once I achieve this goal? And what is beneath the longing to change my physical appearance? For instance, it may not truly be a desire for a different appearance, but rather an attempt at avoiding loneliness or shame. Once a person identifies what’s driving their hunger for optimization, new pathways will appear. If the goal is to be more confident or to meet more people, there are plenty of alternatives that are more likely to lead to success than looksmaxxing. If it turns out that more confidence is your goal, ask yourself: When was the last time I felt confident? What made me feel that way?

Wanting to look better isn’t pathological; it’s human. The question isn’t how might I stop trying to improve myself?, but rather, when is endless self-optimization enough? Our culturally-induced insecurities are being monetized. No amount of money will buy satisfaction. There is no finished product, no final, “now I am who I want to be.”

I think that might be good news, though. After recognizing the trap, we can unclench the jaw (no matter how chiseled it is) and take comfort in the present, knowing that our worth adds up to much more than facial geometry.

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