Are you or someone you know in an abusive relationship?
If you’re involved in or observing a relationship that displays any of the following signs, it’s important to get out and get help. The person you’re with may be an abusive partner. No one deserves to be treated this way.
Recognizing the signs early on can save you a lot of heartache in the future. Abusive partners are manipulative, charming, and often have Jekyll and Hyde personalities, so it can be hard to see them for what they truly are.
It can be hard to tell because abuse can be hidden behind words and actions that seem normal or even loving.
But if you look for the 29 signs of an abusive partner, you’ll be able to see the red flags more clearly. With this knowledge, you can get help if you need it and protect yourself or someone else from further harm.
If you think you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. There are people who can support you through this difficult time. You’re not alone.
Here are 29 signs that will help you identify whether or not you’re in an abusive relationship. Remember, abuse is never okay. If any of these sounds like your situation, please get help ASAP. You deserve better than this.
1. They always put themselves first.
An abusive partner will never think about your feelings or needs. They’ll always make sure that their own needs are taken care of, and they’ll often disregard yours.
2. They’re very possessive.
An abuser will want to know where you are at all times, who you’re talking to, and what you’re doing. If they can’t control you, they’ll start to control your life in other ways, too.
3. They’re always jealous.
No matter what you do, your abuser will find a reason to be jealous. Even if you’re just friends with another man or woman, they’ll get insanely jealous and start accusing you of cheating on them.
4. They play the victim.
Abusers will always find a way to paint themselves as the good guy in your relationship — while making you seem like the bad one. If they’re uninterested in you and just want to use you, an abuser will turn things around so that they’re the innocent party in your relationship.
5. They’re very charming sometimes — but not always.
An abusive partner can be very nice and sweet at times and even lure you back in with this. But when they’re in a bad mood, watch out! You’ll be the recipient of that anger and violence then.
6. They always put things back on you.
If your partner is abusive, they’ll always want to blame you for their actions — no matter what it is that they did. If they cheat on you, it’s your fault for not being able to keep their attention. If they yell at you, it’s because you made them so mad. No matter what happens, everything will always be your fault in an abuser’s eyes.
7. They never take responsibility for what they do wrong.
An abusive partner will never own up to their mistakes. If they physically hurt you, cheat on you, or treat you poorly in any way — it will never be because of something they did. It will always be your fault somehow, and if you point out how awful they’re being, they’ll get even more upset.
8. They make subtle threats.
Abusive partners will often make threats to hurt you in subtle ways. They may threaten to “accidentally” sleep with someone else if they’re not getting what they want from you, or tell you that they’ll put up a Facebook status about how horrible you are behind your back.
9. They get overly angry sometimes — even when it doesn’t make sense.
Sometimes, your abuser will fly off the handle for no reason at all — and when you try to figure out why they’re angry with you, it doesn’t add up. If they can’t even tell you how angry they are, though, that’s a sign that something is seriously wrong with your relationship.
10. They blame others for the problems in the relationship.
If you’re always to blame for your partner’s unhappiness, that’s a sign that they don’t care about you and only want to use you.
11. They say things like “If I can’t have you, no one can.”
No matter what stage of your relationship with an abusive partner, they’ll always make comments like this. Often, it’s just a way of gaining control over you — but other times, they mean what they say and will go out looking for someone to take your place.
12. They drink too much alcohol sometimes — especially when they’re upset.
An abuser who is unhappy with the relationship or angry about something will often turn to alcohol. And when they do, watch out. It’s not uncommon for abusers to get violent when they’re drunk and upset at the same time.
13. They don’t like helping you with household chores.
If your partner has a habit of refusing help with the family chores or telling you that you can’t help them, they may be abusive. A partner who isn’t interested in pitching in with the home life is probably more concerned with maintaining control than anything else.
14. They don’t want to introduce you to their friends or family.
Whether it’s because your abuser is ashamed of you, doesn’t trust you, or just wants control over who can and can’t see you, an abuser probably won’t want to introduce you to anyone they know. If your partner doesn’t want you to meet the people closest to them and is always keeping you a secret — there’s something wrong.
15. They don’t take anything seriously
While everyone has little moments of flightiness and flakiness, an abusive partner will act like nothing is important. Even when it comes to things that really matter — like their career or education — your abuser will be totally nonchalant and not want to do anything about it.
16. They’re always late for everything.
When someone has lots of excuses for why they’re never on time — and those excuses always involve you — they’re not being considerate of your time. Whether it’s because they were too busy to remember, or because they need to make you wait for them, an abuser will always try to make things about you.
17. They get overly defensive when confronted with something they’ve done wrong.
An abusive partner will act like everything is fine even when they know they’re in the wrong — and if you confront them about it, they’ll defend themselves rather than apologize or just act like it was no big deal.
18. They make you feel guilty for spending time with other people.
If your partner is the jealous type, they might get upset when you hang out with other friends or acquaintances — especially if they’re of a different sex than them. Not only that, but an abuser may try to play nice and just tell you that hanging out with others makes you look bad.
19. They get upset when you stand up for yourself — and immediately try to shut you down.
If your partner is always trying to one-up you or make you feel like they’re better than you, it’s a sign that they don’t care about your feelings and only want control over the relationship.
20. They don’t respect your decisions or opinions, and fight to make you do things their way instead.
If you’re always having arguments about the same thing — like how much to spend on groceries or when to eat dinner — it’s a sign that your partner is only interested in control.
An abuser might try to trick you into going along with what they want or make you feel like you’re wrong and they’re right — and the only way to fix it is if you do things their way.
21. They always start an argument when something bad happens, instead of being supportive.
When someone loves you, one of the first things they’ll do is offer to help out and take care of you when something bad happens — like if you lose your job or get in a car accident.
But an abusive partner will be so busy trying to blame everything on you and make sure they look good — that they’ll always instigate the fight instead of comforting you.
22. They’re rude to other people who are just doing their jobs.
If your partner is rude to the waitstaff, cashier, or anyone else they don’t have to be nice too — that’s a sign that they’re just trying to assert their dominance over everyone.
23. They put down other people in order to make themselves look better.
An abuser will try to elevate themselves by making you look bad in front of others, or by putting down the waiter/cashier/etc. they were just being rude to.
24. They never take responsibility for anything they’ve done wrong.
An abuser will always find a way to blame you, even if it’s something small like not liking your cooking. If your partner won’t own up when they mess up, it’s a sign that they’re only in the relationship for themselves.
25. They act like everything is your fault — no matter what it is.
Nothing is ever their fault, even if you point out something they did wrong. To an abuser, anything bad that happens to them is always someone else’s fault — and you’re the one to blame.
26. They make you feel like if you end things, they’ll be really angry — and they’ll try to get revenge on you.
Abusers will do whatever it takes to maintain control over the relationship, even if it means saying something like “If you leave me, I’m going to kill myself.”
27. They never take responsibility for their own actions — and try to put the blame on you.
If your partner puts all of the blame on you for everything that goes wrong, that’s a sign that they don’t care about anybody except themselves.
28. They criticize or humiliate other people in front of you.
While this is definitely a bad sign in any relationship, it’s especially bad if your partner humiliates people that they know you care about — like your brother or best friend. Sure, maybe they think your friends and family are annoying — but the only reason to humiliate them is to hurt you.
29. They’re always trying to change everything about you.
Your partner might try to change how you look, or what your interests are. They might be especially critical if it’s something they’re not good at themselves — like if they don’t have much money, but want you to go into debt so you can buy the same designer clothes that they wear.
And the bottom line is…
If you think your partner is abusive, they probably are — no matter how many ways you try to explain it. If you’re worried, reach out to a local abuse shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
They have trained advocates that won’t judge you and can help you get safe quickly.
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The post The 29 Signs of an Abusive Partner Everyone Needs to Know appeared first on The Good Men Project.
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