Now I Have Lymphedema

I went to the emergency room yesterday because the right side of my body was swelling up. From the right side of my face down to my neck and my entire right arm from shoulder to finger tips. Some swelling where my mastectomy scarring remains.

The tissue was swollen and it hurts when I touch it.

I was freaked out. I had started to swell about three weeks ago and I’d hoped it would go away. But it hasn’t. It’s gotten worse.

Well, yesterday they diagnosed it. I’ve got lymphedema.

This is something that can happen to mastectomy survivors.

My mastectomy was four years ago. I thought I didn’t have to worry about this anymore. I was wrong.

Thanks to the constant tests since my brain surgery — the blood tests and blood pressure tests and so on — there has been a lot of stress on that right arm. And finally it has apparently succumbed and now I’ve got lymphedema.

I am very upset.

I don’t want to be brave right now. I am just angry and scared.

This condition is incurable but it can be managed. I don’t want a condition that can only be managed. I want a cure.

I feel ugly because my face is swollen. It looks like I’ll be stuck with a permanent double chin. This is not fair.

There are ways to manage the condition but unfortunately they cost money and not all of it is covered by insurance. And I’m on a very tight budget. This is a lousy place to be.

I’m not happy. I’m very upset. I feel that I’ve suffered enough and it’s time for a break. Not sure if I’ll get one though. I mean, who knows what will go wrong next?

The fact is that the surgery and radiation for the brain tumor were stop gap measures. The lung cancer is progressing. At this point, what I most want is just to have some dignity and quality of life for however long I’ve got left. The lymphedema is screwing up that simple desire. It’s hard to feel dignified with half my body swelling up. And quality of life is going out the window.

I can understand the draw of hedonism at this point. If life is only going to be progressively worse, why not wring whatever pleasure I can for a short period. Who cares about the long term?

Unfortunately, I’m too “in my head” to go down this road. I’m going to keep fighting the cancer. I don’t know if this is a wise decision. But it’s the only one I can make.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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