With all the talk lately in the media about narcissism, little of the coverage seems to relate to the link between narcissism and addiction. Yet, from a clinical perspective, the connection is unmistakable. Not every narcissist is an addict, but at least some traits of narcissism – even if covert – stir within every addict. The two concepts are inextricably intertwined: narcissism relates to and contributes to addictive behavior.
A look at the underlying dynamics of narcissism and addiction reveals several distinct common denominators.
Most addicts have experienced significant trauma and are trying to anaesthetize and escape the pain of previous traumatic experiences. Early on, they learned they could neutralize their inner torment with the excitement of the dopamine rush that results from addictive behavior, whether it manifests through drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling or something else.
Similarly, narcissism is another form of escape from underlying feelings of inadequacy and defectiveness stemming from trauma, abuse, or neglect or even from overindulgence and lack of parental limits. Narcissism keeps people from facing the pain of their underlying insecurities and trauma.
Entitlement is narcissism’s second hallmark. The idea, “I can do this because I am entitled to” echoes within narcissists who turn to addiction despite the harm it does to themselves and those they love. Entitlement and the need to escape underlying pain drive the behaviors of drug addicts, alcoholics, sexual adventurers, compulsive gamblers, and those who “shop till they drop.”
Narcissists also lack empathy and cannot feel anyone else’s pain because of their own emotional injuries. Self-centeredness leaves them no point of reference beyond their own perspective. Lacking empathy, they are oblivious to the pain their actions cause others. They remain in the grip of addiction despite the negative consequences to themselves and their family and friends.
Narcissists and addicts both cling to self-deception and denial to avoid facing the truth about themselves. They convince themselves that they’re not the problem; in fact, they don’t have a problem. It’s their loved ones harassing them about their behavior who are the problem. They think those who love them are just trying to make them miserable by complaining about nonexistent issues. This distortion of reality maintains both the addiction and the narcissist’s self-perception as a victim.
Finally, both narcissists and addicts are perpetually self-destructive. They persist in self-harming behaviors that torpedo their real goals: successful relationships, stable careers, and personal satisfaction. They self-sabotage because deep down, unconsciously, they don’t feel worthy of success or happiness.
If these traits sound familiar, and you’re suffering addiction, here are a few steps you can take toward overcoming the narcissism that may be feeding your addictive behaviors:
1.Decide to face your demons and get help. Numerous effective treatments for trauma can alleviate the pain you’re trying to avoid. Narrative therapy, EMDR, somatic therapies, and psychedelic-supported psychotherapy can all provide the healing you deserve while reducing your need for narcissistic and addictive behaviors.
2. Challenge your sense of entitlement. Push back against the belief that you’re entitled to selfishness and addiction, even at the expense of others and risk of self-harm. To rebuild your maturity and integrity, accept that you can’t have everything you want. Changing yourself will give you far more long-range satisfaction than the temporary highs of addiction.
3. Be in reality. Challenge self-deceptions and distortions. Try to see your actions clearly as attempts to escape, anesthetize, or self-aggrandize. Stop making excuses for destructive behaviors.
4. Push yourself out of your own perspective. Try harder to see things through other people’s eyes. Try to face the pain you’re causing, instead of dwelling on the pain you’re feeling. Yes, it’s very real, but it’s not the whole picture – and you can address it productively.
5. Engage in self-care and self-compassion. Realize that your problems aren’t about you, but about what happened to you. As you see the self-destructive patterns in your addiction, you can try to transition to patterns that serve you better in order to preserve and enrich relationships that, deep down, you passionately want to succeed.
Addictions and negative personality traits, like narcissism, are difficult to conquer. But, with the right help and hard work, you can overcome these impediments that are keeping you from living the life you truly desire.
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