I have been a marriage counselor for more than fifty years. When I finished graduate school in 1968, I had great hopes of helping couples fulfill their vows to “live happily ever after.” I married my college sweetheart in 1966, and we looked forward to having children and growing old together. It didn’t turn out that way. We successfully managed the “growing old” part, but our marriage didn’t survive. If you visit my website, you can watch my introductory welcome video, “Confessions of a Twice-Divorced Marriage Counselor.”
It is not that counselors are holding back on sharing the good news about how to have successful, long-term, relationships. It is because we know the theory of how to “live happily ever after,” we just haven’t been successful in practicing what we preach.
Most people know that the chances of having a long and happy marriage are not good. The statistics tell a disheartening story.
“Since 1955 the divorce rate in American has been hovering around fifty percent.”
These are the first words of an incredibly powerful and hopeful documentary by Emmy-nominated duo, Chris Brickler and Michael Romero. The film explores the lives and livelihood of Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, two of the most prominent pioneers in the world of relationship communications for the past 40 years.
I first met Harville and Helen in 1988 shortly after the publication of their best-selling book, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples. We have been friends and colleagues ever since. Like my wife, Carlin and I, Harville and Helen had both been divorced before they met and married. What I learned from reading their book (and reinforced by reading all their other books), has enabled Carlin and I to have a long and joyful marriage. We’re still going strong after forty-five years together and continue to practice the simple, let profound skills, that Harville and Helen have developed.
I have interviewed Helen and Harville numerous times in the past. I recently had the good fortune to interview Harville alone when Helen was unable to join us because she was called unexpectedly to speak at another event. Harville and I had the opportunity to discuss more deeply some the things men can do to live happily ever after.
In addition to working with couples, my work in the field of Gender-Specific Medicine and Men’s Health, focuses a lot on helping men. Our colleagues John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman had an interesting thing to say about men:
“What men do in relationships is, by a large margin, the crucial factor that separates a great relationship from a failed one. This does not mean that a woman doesn’t need to do her part, but the data proves that a man’s actions are the key variable that determines whether a relationship succeeds or fails, which is ironic, since most relationship books are for women. That’s kind of like doing open-heart surgery on the wrong patient.”
So, what is the simple secret for divorce-proofing your marriage? The secret is having safe conversations. As Helen and Harville remind us, the most dangerous things humans do with each other is talk. They explain in their wonderful book, Making Marriage Simple,
“We need to create safe spaces to talk with each other. By safety, we mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticized, or put down by the other. When your partner doesn’t feel safe, they put up their defenses. Healing happens only in safe environments.”
This is easier said than done.
The Heart of Dialogue: The New Film That Can Change the World For Good
I was excited when I recently received an email from Harville and Helen: “Today is the global premiere for the “The Heart of Dialogue,” a new 70-minute documentary of Harville and Helen’s storied life. I love books. I’ve written seventeen of my own and I recommend all the books that Harville and Helen have written. But there’s nothing like being with them in person. Watch the film and you will find yourself being up-close and personal with Helen and Harville and the participants in one of their workshops.
But that’s not all, you will be introduced to a new technology that will allow you, and millions of others, to interact with Helen and Harville now and in the future. Though I’ve known Helen and Harville for years, I had not heard of Chris Brickler and Michael Romero. I’d like to introduce them to you now. Their work is exciting and lifechanging.
Chris is an Emmy-nominated producer and director of documentaries, dramatic shorts, and music and commercial videos. He is currently Founder & CEO of Mynd Immersive, a technology startup that provides immersive experiences for seniors to improve cognitive function & quality of life. For most of his professional career, Chris has been a leader in bringing groundbreaking new technologies to market. His latest endeavor is called Eternalize, an AI-lab that creates, preserves and powers the interactive digital twins of cherished loved ones and public personalities for future generations.
Michael is also an Emmy-nominated producer and director of documentaries. He has spent his career in business development. He has built some of the largest brands in consumer goods, medical devices, and technology industries. Michael is also part of the Externalize team.
The gifts that Harville and Helen have given to millions of couples all over the world would make them my heroes forever. But they didn’t stop after helping us save our marriages. They recognized that what worked for our most intimate relationships could work for all our relationships — with those we love and those we distrust and fear.
In their book, How to Talk with Anyone About Anything: The Practice of Safe Conversations, they say,
“Pandemics, warfare, natural disasters, and political upheaval have driven us apart, isolated us, and sent us fleeing for shelter. Far too often these days, you may find yourself feeling stressed out, burned out, and checked out.”
I have certainly felt that way many times and have felt despair about the future of humanity. One of the greatest dangers I see is that consciously or unconsciously more and more people believe that humanity is doomed. But Helen and Harville’s Safe Conversations can not only save our marriages, but could even help create a safer world now and forever.
“Clearly, we need a way to restore safety and civility to our daily interactions so we can talk to one another without triggering arguments or violence. Our method for doing this is to replace one-way monologue conversations with two-way dialogues that put you on a path to safer and more productive interactions and relationships.”
We can each take a step in the direction of the future we all want and help, in the words of my colleague Charles Eisenstein, to create “the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.” If you choose, you can begin now.
You can watch the film here.
You can learn more about Harville and Helen here.
You can learn more about having safe conversations here.
You can learn more about me and my work here.
If you would like to read more articles like these, I invite you to subscribe to my free weekly newsletter here.
Disclaimer: This story is auto-aggregated by a computer program and has not been created or edited by healthlydays.
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