You’re addicted. You’ve tried to stop, but for some reason, something keeps pulling you back to your addiction. What can you do, instead? There are a lot of things you could do to prevent relapse. One of them is to build a fence. Yes, a fence. In fact, better make it two, three, or four.
When the government has something they want no one to get to, like a nuclear bomb, they build a fence around it. Then, a hundred yards away, they build another fence, and another, and another, and another. They dig each fence into the ground, so no one can tunnel underneath. They top it with razor wire. They build guard posts and have dogs and soldiers with guns patrol to make sure no one is cutting the fence. If someone gets through the outermost fence, there are still the other fences and dogs and soldiers to stop them. There’s nothing for the terrorists to take between the outermost fence and the second one. There’s just empty space, but they’re likely to be spotted in that empty space by the soldiers guarding the second fence.
Each fence has a gate. If someone asks to come in, the guards stop them to check their credentials. Anyone trying to pass, must state their reason for getting through the fence. All these fences dissuade terrorists from entering and getting the nuclear weapon. If they’re not dissuaded, at least the fences slow them down, to give the soldiers time to mount their defenses.
If you have an addiction, but are trying to stop, then take your choice to use your drug and build a fence around it. Next, think of the conditions that must be met before you can use it and build a fence around that. For example, if you’re an alcoholic who drinks at bars, then stop ordering alcohol when you’re at the bar. If you walk up to the bar, order soda. Then build a fence that stops you from walking up to the bar, and a third fence to stop you from going into a place that has a bar. If you have a favorite bar, you may need a fourth fence to stop you when you go down that street.
What if you have a reason to go down that street, other than to drink alcohol at the bar? No problem, just stop at the gate and state your reason. If there’s another store on the street you must go to, then go to that, but the guards will question whether no other store will do. If you’ve a good reason to be on that street, the guards will let you in, but they’ll keep an eye on you. They still have other fences to keep you from going further. They’ll stop and question you at each one. Once you’re on that street, if you have a reason to go into your favorite bar, then go to that gate and state your reason there. The guards will ask, is there really no other place to get some Buffalo wings? If you must get those wings, then avoid walking up to the bar. If you must go to the bar to give your order or pay your bill, then go to the gate first and state your reason. The guards will ask, is there no one in your party to go instead? Before you order alcohol, stop at that gate, too. What do you intend to do with that drink? the guards will say. Stop at the gate before you order each drink. Do you really need another one, they’ll ask, or have you already had enough?
I’m speaking figuratively, of course. Seldom can someone build an actual fence around their addiction, although that’s what you’re doing when you, for instance, keep your drug out of your house. In that case, the walls of your house are the fence. Most of the time, you have a mental fence, an awareness that you’ve come to a turning point, a place where you can turn away. The guards are figurative, too. They’re portions of yourself that you can create that will question the addicted parts. If you already have parts that chew you out after a relapse, then maybe you can use those parts to slow you down before you relapse. Retrain them to play defense, instead of offense. Arm them with the consequences of your addiction and the knowledge of where it can take you.
Some of the time, you can have real guards keep watch. Those would be other people you can trust, who will stop you at each gate and question whether you need to go further. Loved ones can be recruited to guard your fences. They already have an interest in keeping you away from your drug, but you will need to assign them the job. Otherwise, they’re only vigilantes, with no authority to detain you. Train them to ask what your intention is, at crucial points.
I probably don’t have to tell you that building fences like this doesn’t always work. I hope the fences the government builds to keep terrorists away from nuclear bombs is more effective. They ought to be. Real soldiers shoot to kill and real fences are an actual obstruction. Let’s look at the ways building a fence around an addiction can be defeated.
The first way is, you can fail to build a fence and train the guards. I mean, you will finish this article, but never do the work of constructing the fences and training the guards. That would be as if Congress appropriated the money to build the fence around the nuclear bomb, but the construction company ran off with the money. If that happens, you’re better off going into rehab, so that other people can build an actual fence around you and staff it with actual guards and counselors who will stop you when you try to go out the door.
The second way a fence can be defeated is to fail to completely contain the nuclear bomb/drug. Determined terrorists and a determined addiction will find the gaps. For instance, you might build fences around that favorite bar, but fail to erect fences when you go to that picnic. Before you go to a picnic, or any event where you could use your drug, you should think about where the choke points will be, put a fence up there, and assign some guards. Unfortunately, it requires a lot of forethought to put fences up for every event. That’s why even the most sincere and determined recovering addict will relapse. Every time you have a relapse, you should consider how the terrorists got in and put up fences there. Learn from your mistakes. That’s why it’s also helpful to retain a consultant, someone experienced with fence building, like a counselor or an addict who’s further in recovery than you are. They’ve already learned how the terrorists get in.
The third way for the terrorist to get through the fence is to adopt a disguise. They present false credentials and give bullshit excuses for going through the gates. The alcoholic in our example might do that, too. He’ll claim he has to go down that street where his favorite bar is so he can go to the store next door. The only reason he’s going in the bar is to see a friend. He has to stand at the bar because the only table is by the kitchen. He’s taking that first drink only to be convivial. He’s taking the second one because someone bought a round. Make no mistake about it, addiction always, always comes disguised as something good and necessary. A good guard will see through the disguises because she’s wise to the ways of addiction. Having multiple fences means you have to come up with multiple lies. There’s more time for the soldiers to catch on.
A fence can also be defeated if you overpower or corrupt the guards. When you have loved ones as guards, they can be bullied or persuaded into letting you by. Then you have bigger problems than just an addiction. You have a broken, dysfunctional relationship. Do this enough times, and you won’t have anyone left but yourself to stop you when you come to a gate.
If all you have is parts of yourself keeping other parts of yourself from acting on the addiction, they can be defeated, too. You can talk yourself into crossing that fence. The only thing you can do then is to make your mental soldiers strong, well armed, and incorruptible. How do you do that? You have them read articles like this one about recovery. Have them watch movies about recovery, go to meetings about recovery, and listen to speakers about recovery. Make friends with other people in recovery.
But everything doesn’t have to be about recovery. Anytime you do anything healthy, you’re strengthening your soldiers. When you exercise, eat good food, get some sleep, show some compassion, heal wounds, tell the truth, build or grow something, find joy or meaning, or reach towards transcendence, you strengthen your soldiers. Anytime you do anything unhealthy, whether it be skipping your workout, chowing on junk, going past exhaustion, being mean, picking at wounds, telling lies, destroying or poisoning something, choosing fear or vanity, or wallowing in filth, you weaken the soldiers.
Recovery from addiction comes down to you, but not only you. It’s possible to utilize people who want to help and methods like this that do help to make it easier to stay away from your drug. It’s hard to say no to a drug you’re addicted to, but it’s easier to say no sometimes than others. For example, it’s hard for an alcoholic to say no to a third drink when he’s already had two. It’s a little easier to say no to the second, but easier yet to say no to the first. It’s harder when he’s standing at the bar than sitting at a table. It’s easier before he walks into the establishment, and easier still if he stays off the street. The idea is to say no when it’s easier to say no, before you start crossing all those fences.
So, build a fence around your addiction, maybe two, three, four, or more, and make it easier for yourself. It’s hard enough, already.
Keith R Wilson is a mental health counselor in private practice and the author of three self-help books, three novels, and innumerable articles.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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