I was being pulled into the darkness. Every day was a fight to stay out of the pit—a struggle to breathe.
I couldn’t do simple things like go for a walk because I was in mortal combat — a battle against my mind trying to kill me.
This was my reality for years. The enemy was inside me. Nowhere to run or hide—one of the most horrific and terrifying experiences you could imagine.
There are some very vocal people claiming Major Depressive Disorder doesn’t exist. They peddle cures like “lift more, bro” and “Just get it done.” I find most of this stuff on Twitter.
There’s a big difference between being “down in the dumps” and suffering from Major Depressive Disorder. This is what Depression feels like.
. . .
1. We see no future and no solution.
If you were asked to withstand the worst pain imaginable for 1 second for a million dollars, you’d accept. Although the pain is terrible, it’ll pass, and you know when it’ll be over.
People with Depression see no future. The agonizing pain looks like it’ll last forever.
I’ve reached out to medical professionals in desperate need who have told me to “take a bubble bath to take my mind off it” or “Watch the Biggest Loser on TV; that’s always good for a laugh.” Maybe these are the same people that frequent Twitter.
I knew before I called them how bad they would be from prior experience, but I had to try.
After being told to watch tv and have a bath, I saw less of a future than ever and had nowhere to turn.
. . .
2. Enjoyment? What’s that?
Nothing is enjoyable anymore, and that feeds into the feeling of helplessness.
How can you escape your misery when nothing can occupy your mind?
Pre and post Depression, I enjoyed reading. In the thick of it, I could barely focus enough to read one page — and what was the point in reading anyway?
I couldn’t get excited about anything, so I kept upping the ante. I hate driving, but in desperation, I bought an expensive BMW. Within a day, I’d crashed it into a gate and scraped big grooves along the side.
I bought the BMW to try and feel something. I hoped others would see me as a big shot.
I ended up giving it to my mum.
. . .
3. You feel like a ghost watching everyone else live.
Depression puts walls up. A prison of our own making, it acts as a barrier between us and the outside world.
As well as keeping people out, it keeps what’s left of us inside. Our mind is trying to protect the feeble part of it that remains.
We no longer receive love, empathy, or positive emotion. Part of the reason many people kill themselves is they think others will be better off without them. They’re loved, but they no longer feel it.
So we’re forced to watch from inside our prison cell. We get to see our loved ones laughing and hugging. We see them enjoying food and drink, going about their lives.
And as we watch, we shiver in our cold dark cells and suffer the agony of remembering what we’ve lost.
. . .
4. I can’t swim but never expected to drown on dry land.
My overwhelming feeling was of being dragged down into a dark, bottomless pit.
I could feel myself suffocating, leading to panic attacks mimicking struggling to stay afloat at sea.
No one could see me drowning. There were no life jackets or rescue rafts to cling to. Just me fighting for my life every second of my waking day.
At night it would be worse. I would dream of drowning at sea before waking up to my living nightmare.
. . .
5. Cancer of the soul.
I don’t believe in some metaphysical spirit that lives inside our bodies and floats away at death, but I know that whatever is inside that represents “me” felt like it was being overrun and eaten alive.
In the advanced stages of my Depression, I was good at nothing and could barely muster a sentence. I was catatonic and just lay in bed staring at the wall.
As well as having no discernable talent, I had no concentration and couldn’t offer anything in relationships with others.
I was brain-dead but still breathing.
I’d lost who I was. I became a corpse and longed to be put out of my misery, but I was too scared and immobilized to do anything about it.
I lost everything in my life that had any meaning or pleasure.
. . .
I made it back!
After a miraculous change of medication, I began to recover. I couldn’t believe it.
When I woke up, the world started to fill with color instead of the usual grey and black.
I started checking my body for signs of Depression — heaviness, a sick feeling, a hollow emptiness — nothing!
I could get out of bed, and it didn’t feel like running a marathon. I started enjoying food again. I could read!
For months I couldn’t believe it would last. I was terrified of relapse. The black dog was nipping at my ankles, but I was outrunning it.
This wasn’t a miraculous healing. I still had some bad days. But the bad days were similar to what other people have.
At this point, I could start following the advice you get on Twitter. I restarted at the gym, ate better, talked with friends and loved ones, and found my purpose.
I learned how to protect myself against relapse by limiting stress as much as possible. Yes, I would still push myself to succeed and achieve my goals, but I knew when to take my foot off the accelerator.
. . .
So that’s what Depression is like. It’s ok if you don’t fully understand it — count yourself lucky.
But for goodness sake, stop prescribing lifestyle changes from your pedestal of ignorance. You don’t have to parrot everything Andrew Tate says.
If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out. You’re not alone, and trained experts are waiting to help you (resources in the US and UK).
—
This post was previously published on Change Your Mind Change Your Life.
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The post A Survivor Explains What It’s Like to Be Consumed by Depression appeared first on The Good Men Project.
