I just felt nothing, all the time.
My grades went from A’s to C’s…eventually D’s. I stopped going to class because I couldn’t focus…which meant no more going out with friends, being social or doing anything remotely fun.
Leaving my room meant having a panic attack. It was like a switch had been flipped in my brain, and it had decided to put itself on autopilot; it still went through all the motions of going back and forth from work to home, but I was going through the motions. It felt like a part of me was dead — and in a way, it was.
It feels like a part of me is dead…and in a way, it is.
The scariest part wasn’t that I couldn’t feel anything good or see any light at the end of the tunnel — it was how incredibly WEIRD everything felt.
I knew something had to be wrong with me because nobody else around me seemed to be experiencing what I was going through; they could laugh and joke and have fun with each other — even when they were going through horrifically difficult times.
Not only did I not understand how they could do that, but it made me feel like I was the only one who was feeling this way.
I knew something had to be wrong with me.
For months and months, I just existed…like a zombie. And when I say “for months,” what I mean is “for almost an entire YEAR.” It wasn’t until February or March of 2016 that things started to get better for real — and by then, my grades and work performance were so bad that I’d essentially lost all motivation to keep going.
If there’s anything worse than being in a constant state of misery every single day, it’s waking up from that fog to realize you’ve been wasting your life because you don’t know how to snap out of it.
I knew I had to change something…
After several weeks of deliberation, I decided the only way to fix this was to start seeing a therapist — and not just any therapist; I wanted someone who specialized in borderline personality disorder (BPD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), dissociative identity disorder (DID) and depression.
Finally, after years of searching for help, I felt like my prayers were being answered — but maybe that’s because I’d allowed myself to get so low that the only options seemed to be reaching out for help or giving up completely.
I stopped giving up. And you should too.
It took about two months, but things started to get better little by little. Sure, I had my bad days — and by that, I mean bad days — but overall, there was progress being made.
Now, almost two years later, I can honestly say that life is good again. Not only have things felt like they’ve been getting better for a while now…I think it might finally be time to stop worrying about this stuff altogether!
It isn’t fair…
But the thing is…life still isn’t FAIR; even when you can learn to take control of your own emotions and realize how amazing you are, there’s always going to be something out there to knock you back down (literally or figuratively). And when does that happen?
The best solution is not to give up — but to KEEP GOING. I know it sounds simple, but that’s all it takes; you don’t need some major life change or soul-searching journey to make things better…all you have to do is convince yourself that you CAN’T give up.
It isn’t fair…but no matter what happens, keep going, okay?
Because the truth is, depression doesn’t HAVE to be forever; if anything has taught me that — no matter how many times it felt like something was wrong with me for even thinking about happiness again — it’s my personal experience.
It took a lot of hard work and determination to get where I am today, but good things take time (and patience). The only thing you should ever feel guilty about is giving up — which isn’t something anyone should EVER have to do.
The only thing you should ever feel guilty about is giving up.
If not for a very close friend constantly checking on me and forcing me to take care of myself, I know it would’ve been much harder to keep going…and I can never thank them enough for that.
But as long as you’re willing to fight, nothing good will be able to stop you; depression might make things seem impossible, but it’s always possible to beat whatever problem is in front of you. Even when it feels like life has completely beaten your spirit down…keep fighting because it DOES get better, I promise!
It’s always possible to beat whatever problem is in front of you.
There are tons of people out there who care about you right now and want to see you succeed — but it’s up to you to find them. Sometimes it takes a while, but if you never give up — if you can learn how to be strong when life gets tough — you’ll come out stronger than ever before. And once that happens…things will never be the same again!
You’ll come out stronger than ever before.
There is so much better in my life than bad now that I can’t even begin to describe it. From the very bottom of my heart…I’m someone who knows what you’re going through, and I’ve decided that living is worth fighting for.
Live life because you deserve it.
Please take care of yourself — and if you ever need help or want to talk, please don’t be afraid to reach out! You ARE capable of doing great things; don’t ever forget that.
Things helped me during this time.
Self-care: This is probably the most important step in fighting depression. Taking care of yourself means eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and doing something that you enjoy every day. When you’re taking care of yourself, it’s easier to feel good about yourself overall!
Positive affirmations: Affirmations are positive statements that help you focus on your strengths. Repeating positive affirmations can help boost your mood and make you feel more confident.
“The glass is half full”: This is a saying that helps remind you that there are always things to be happy about, no matter how bad things seem at the moment. Focusing on the positives can help shift your mood and make it easier to fight off the blues.
Talk to someone: It can be really helpful to talk to someone about your feelings, especially if you’re feeling down. Talking to a friend or therapist can help you process your emotions and figure out ways to deal with them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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The post A Story About My Struggles With Depression appeared first on The Good Men Project.
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