I’ve been reading the latest research about how men and women respond to stress differently. As both a career and life coach, and a human physiology tutor, I find this topic interesting, and it’s a reason I like to work with men. Here are some differences:
- The amygdala, which is the part of your brain which detects threats and controls the perception of anger and sadness, becomes hyperactive in men when they are stressed. Interestingly, this is not the case with women.
- The right prefrontal cortex in men, which is associated with impulse control and generally more negative emotions, is activated when men are stressed, but not in women.
- Cortisol, one of the key stress hormones, is released more quickly to the brain in men, which means they react to stress faster.
What this says to me, and what I’ve seen in men I’ve worked with in the past, is that stress can be more pronounced, and have more of an effect, than it has on women. Essentially it becomes a fight or flight (or freeze) response in us guys, and that can be unhealthy, especially if you don’t have great coping mechanisms.
Further studies have shown that these physiological effects produce more of a physical response in men compared to women, which is interesting since men are less likely to report having physical symptoms from stress than women. They pretty much just man up, or ignore the effects of stress altogether.
Stress takes its toll, and career-related issues are a big part of the problem for many people, especially for men. Work defines who we are and gives our lives meaning. It’s this vocational identity that is ingrained in the male psyche so when someone says “tell me about you”, we start by saying what we do for a living, as if every person we meet is giving us a job interview.
It’s fine, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s who we are. It’s our masculinity that often defines our success in society. It makes us want to feel productive and that productivity largely comes from work. Work creates meaning and purpose, which makes it all the harder when the pressure is on from work deadlines, a micromanaging boss or from not making your sales quota.
The biggest problem comes when you are in a job you hate or on a career path that is not working for you anymore. I’ve seen enough men “suck it up” in a career or lifestyle they don’t really like, and then later in life pay the price with physical and/or emotional challenges. I worked with a bunch of guys who are just cruising until retirement, which for some of them was another 15 years away! That’s a long time to man up.
So what can you do when job stress gets to you? One of the best ways to handle stress is to talk about the causes (and possible remedies), with a friend, spouse, therapist or with someone you think will really listen. Many companies have Employee Assistance Programs as part of their benefits package so make use of them if you need to. Reach out and deal with the stress, don’t internalize it and think that you can just ride it out.
And while you are at it, take a look inward and see if the expectations you put on yourself are realistic. Sure, you have expenses, a nice house and the kids are in college so you have to make money, but are you sacrificing too much of your sanity and peace of mind to meet those expectations? A lot of people are. I talk to them all the time.
I tell people, and men in particular, to step back and look at your work and see if you can do something better that fits the life you want and gives you the income you need. How do you do that? By following the three Cs.
Create: Research and create a list of possible job and/or career options that really inspire you and make you want to go to the office (real or virtual) on a Monday morning. And don’t forget to create a healthy lifestyle in the process.
Communicate: Talk to people about these ideas, brainstorm and get feedback. Talk about what you want in life, aim high but watch for the signs of stress. Communicate and connect with people who don’t just have the potential to advance your career, but people who can give you ideas from their point of view.
Co-navigate: Don’t do it alone. Whether it’s with a spouse, friend, career coach, or your brother-in-law Tony, find someone who will support you on your way, help to hold you accountable and be around when things get rough.
As a man, I struggled with all these things in the past. When you are in a comfortable career, the last thing you want to do is rock the boat and think about how you can make some big changes. Communication can be a challenge too, and men are not typically encouraged to share how they feel and what they want out of life but trust me, it really helps to speak your mind. It’s your life after all! And as for co-navigating, I always thought I could handle things on my own and be self-reliant but I found out that it held me back, slowed me down from making progress and just plain stressed me out.
It’s a time of changes in the workplace, and it’s a great time to initiate self-directed change rather than have unexpected circumstances forced upon you. If you are a take-charge kind of guy, now is your time! Take control of the situation, face the challenges and find ways to minimize the stress. With the right attitude, the right strategy and the right ways to cope with the challenges, you really can’t go wrong.
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