My friend Brig* is a true tank of a man. Though he is only 5’6 in height, he is jacked, stacked, and looked like a proud gorilla biker dude. In the music scenes I belonged to, Brig was the man that everyone knew and loved.
Brig, prior to his 20-year prison sentence, was the life of the party. He was a casual drug user that everyone wanted around them, even when he was twacked out of his mind. He was the man who would do a pirouette after telling everyone to kiss his ass, just to make you laugh.
Then, Alicia* happened. I wrote about this relationship before on other platforms, but the truth is, there was so much wrong that it just deserved to have multiple articles cover it. Alicia was (is?) his wife, and she was the worst human being he could have married.
I’m not going to get into details here, but she pushed him into a meth addiction and drug dealing. Eventually, after a two-week bender, he lost his shit and beat the crap out of one of his clients. He was booked for kidnapping charges, among others.
What truly broke my heart was seeing how this once upbeat (but unstable) man died inside because of a woman. You see, Alicia, in all her 5 foot nothing frame, was an abuser. It was then I witnessed, up front, what men go through as abuse victims.
“No one would believe you.”
Brig was built like a brick shithouse, and I mean that. He was a combat veteran and everything. If you ended up in a fight with Brig, you were going down. But, big and bad as our biker bear was, he was being beaten and hit on the daily by Alicia.
He was terrified of her by the end of the relationship. He never hit back but he couldn’t really get away from her without losing her. To a point, he wanted to break up and tell someone, but something she told him stayed with him:
“No one would believe you if you told them,” she hissed.
She was right. Almost no one would. It was a big, scary-looking biker versus a tiny mousey looking woman. So, he kept his mouth shut.
You often are made to feel like the bad guy, even when you’re not.
The weird thing about being a man who’s being abused is that you often find yourself double- or even triple-guessing yourself. Guys are often told they’re the problem by default. They also tend to get guilted or pressured into things as a part of the abuse.
We had one night where we got a knock on our door. It was Brig, and he literally collapsed into our apartment, a sobbing mess of a man. At first, he was incoherent and we couldn’t tell if it was meth or a really bad argument.
As it turned out, Alicia pressured Brig into selling drugs that he didn’t feel comfortable with. Brig was worried that he would end up killing someone with the goods. To make matters worse, she was increasingly trying to get in between him and his friends. It was breaking him apart.
“Am I a bad person?” he asked us in tears.
“No, dude, you’re not,” my husband replied. “I honestly don’t think Alicia’s good for you. You deserve better.”
Most men in this situation feel like they don’t deserve love, or that they’re the ones in the wrong. The gaslighting is very real and very common. My husband’s ex prior to me almost pushed him to suicide because she kept making hin feel like he wasn’t worth anything.
There are no resources for men.
Domestic violence shelters were started by women, for women who have been abused by men and fear for their safety. Most shelters do not accept men, especially single men like Brig.
Oh, and there are not many websites that cater to men who are caught in abusive situations, either. So, even if men ask for help, they probably are not going to get the help they need.
Here’s the thing: we need more domestic violence shelters across the board and we also need to encourage men to help other men out of abusive situations.
Why can’t girls help out? It’s simple. Men often don’t feel okay talking about it with women. When I tried to broach the subject with Brig, he immediately shut down. Our hands are tied here!
Brothers, you need to step up. If you see a bro suffering, talk to him!
Talking about abuse is taboo among men, and that has to stop.
What struck me the most, watching Brig, was the way he acted at parties while his wife was away. Brig clammed up about what was going on behind the scenes. If you didn’t know, you would think that he was having the best day of his life.
He’d be the 40-year-old man dancing it up on the floor, doing splits and shouting to the song breaks. He’d try to buy everyone drinks, then jump on a chair just because he could. I mean, he was Brig. That’s what Brig did!
It never occurred to me until later, but eventually, I realized that his behavior was performative. He was petrified of looking like he was in a failing relationship. For him (like many men), it’s a very emasculating, embarrassing position to be in.
Part of the toxic way society suggests men perform as men is acting like failure doesn’t happen. This includes failing with women. Being abused is seen as a way of showing that you’re “not man enough.”
Men generally do not feel comfortable asking their guy friends for help or support. Moreover, a lot of guys don’t even know how to act when they do find out their boy is being abused. Brig didn’t want to feel like a failure. So, he said nothing.
At one point, our friend Ralo* pulled him aside and begged him to dump Alicia. We all, low-key, knew this woman was killing him. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t even allow me to open my mouth. Brig lied to Ralo and said that things “were looking better now.”
Terrified to leave.
The hard part about being a man who’s being abused is that courts will likely believe his abuser if she says he was the abusive one. Some women go so far as to threaten to wrongfully accuse them of child molestation or even steal the guy’s money so he can’t run. Many men, not knowing what to do, feel stuck.
Well, that’s what I feel happened with Brig. About a month after Ralo begged him to leave Alicia, Brig had his meltdown and the police raided his apartment. Brig’s once beautiful apartment had turned into a total meth den by the time we came by.
Rotten food was on his balcony. Power tools in the kitchen. Ketamine in the oven, blow torch parts on the floor, and holes punched in the walls everywhere made the place look like a nightmare. Every door was kicked in by police. Even his prized leather sofa was destroyed.
Alicia was nowhere to be seen.
My husband and I were the last people to see him before he started serving his prison sentence. Everyone in his circle of friends knows what Alicia did. Everyone knows that he was not at fault here. And yet, his life is basically over. He will be almost 70 when he’s released.
Please, don’t be like Brig. Be careful of who you date, fellas, and if you see warning signs of abuse, it’s time to get out. Trust me when I say your real friends will help you.
Buy a coffee for author
—
Previously Published on medium
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often 
Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It 
The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex 
..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Log in if you wish to renew an existing subscription.
Username
First Name
Last Name
Password
Password Again
Choose your subscription level
- Yearly - $50.00 - 1 Year
- Monthly - $6.99 - 1 Month
Credit / Debit Card PayPal Choose Your Payment Method
Auto Renew
Subscribe to The Good Men Project Daily Newsletter By completing this registration form, you are also agreeing to our Terms of Service which can be found here.Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock
The post The Unique Isolation of Being a Man Suffering From Abuse appeared first on The Good Men Project.
Original Article
